Week 5 Rewind

A real genuine rewind....I know you are asking yourselves these questions.....1) Are the gods smiling on me? 2) Is this my lucky day? 3) Does the Chairman actually like us again? The answer to all those ridiculous questions is shut-u. NO. I have been pressured by guilt and loneliness among the subscribers to continue with this weekly exercise of futility. This is probably the final rewind of the season because there isn't a lot of point continuing to floss when you have no teeth. If a tree falls in the forest and no one reads the Rewind, then why waste my time. Speaking of wasting time consider this teaching for the Zen religion...no wonder they are zoned out. "Two monks were arguing about the temple flag waving in the wind. One said, "The flag moves." The other said, "The wind moves." They argued back and forth but could not agree. The Sixth Ancestor said, "Gentlemen! It is not the wind that moves; it is not the flag that moves; it is your mind that moves." The two monks were struck with awe." - The Mumonkan Case 29 Whoa, what?  Picking Up Wins I hate kickers. Almost as much as the Redskins. I think I hate kickers because they are so important to who wins and loses. I know I continue to harp on it but why does football even have kickers? I say get rid of field goals and extra points and punting and drop kicking but leave kickoffs because they are awesome, especially onside kicks. The Dolphins could be 4-1 if they had a dependable kicker. 4-1 seriously. They won this week and that was the the pick of the week by far. By picking the Phins and the Hawks I'm proclaiming John Andrew Perry the Winner of the week, but the tie breaker gives the money to Puddin. That's weird, the weekly winner doesn't get the weekly prize....whoa. Yes, it is a giant contradiction but who cares, no one is around to hear the tree fall so there is no noise. My Fantasy Life I'm a little sour about this fantasy season. Ok, maybe not sour, maybe just bitter. Or whatever is in between bitter and sour, that's what I am. I'm like biting into a bar of soap clean but sour or bitter. See, my fantasy season isn't fair. Don't believe me? Look at this fact, and I quote: "All three of the losses for CHAIRMAN this season have come when their opponent had their highest-scoring week of the season."   Not satisfied...look at this "CHAIRMAN would be 3-1 if they played the same schedule as Third and a mile!. CHAIRMAN would be 22-13 if they played every team every week" Need more? Who are you the OJ jury? "If they played the same schedule as CHAIRMAN, Third and a mile! would be 1-3" So, I lost to 3rd and a SeaHawk, but I am worlds better than that team. I am second in the league in points and sixth in the standings....the only person with more of a gripe than me is Uncle Matty. But he has a new baby at home keeping him up all night so he doesn't care. The only thing that will make this fantasy season better is watching Juggs lose to Starkville this week. That will be like biting into key lime pie. Tips for Winning, At Life Rent a house, don't buy. Seriously, what's the real advantage to paying a mortgage for 70 years to have a money pit that takes all your time and that ages and goes out a style faster than a woman in her early 30s? If you do buy a house, read the warnings and directions. No, not on the house, on whatever your wasting time using to fix the house. For instance- If your wife freaks out on you while you're getting ready to go to a wedding because she notices a new leak stain on the bathroom ceiling...read the warnings before you take that spray foam insulation to the attic to patch leaks. If not, you too could spend the next 2 weeks with a crusted over hand that makes you look like a leper from 500B.C. The kind of lepers who's flesh is falling off. So, win at life, wear gloves and read labels. As always, I love you guys. The Chairman